If you follow me on any of my social media accounts you'll have noticed things have been a bit...well, not right around my end of things. Even the linky party from yesterday wasn't up too it's usual standard.
Now it's not like I feel the need to explain myself but after a couple of days allowing things to settle here at home I certainly feel the need to mentally check things in to order. The plus side of writing a blog is you have somewhere a little more solid than your own mindspace to sort those things out and also the fabulous support you can receive can be a major help in building yourself up again.
I won't go into all the deep details but last week I was in and out of hospital all week, only to be admitted Friday afternoon with an 'ectopic pregnancy' I was devastated, we were devastated. It just didn't seem fair. To be told your miscarrying a child is hard enough but to then be pulled at a hundred miles an hour through the cold routine of being told your baby is still there but has taken up home in one of your tubes and said tube has to be removed.
Everything was and still is a bit of a blur. I feel broken and fine all at the same time, I'm so thankful for how lucky I am that it was caught earlier enough that I'm still here to enjoy the family I do have. Yet when people tell me I'm lucky, that it could have been worse it makes me angry. How dare anyone tell me it could have been worse, the physical pain I feel tells me it was pretty bad and I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to feel emotionally.
I'm just scrabbling to find my way back to me and trying not to get frustrated with there being so little that I can do around the house to help himself. I feel bad that I forget to ask him how he is, whether he needs to talk and that he has to do everything right now while I feel like I'm being lazy while I hold myself together. Faith has mentioned the baby a couple of times but Paul is pretty good at swerving her focus to something a little less touchy at this time.
I feel more loss for my tube than I do for the baby, for us we hadn't connected to that life yet so I'm more angry that I don't have a 'back-up tube' anymore, that half of my ability to make children was taken away from me and then I feel even more guilty because there's women out there who can't have children period.
It's tough I think I'm a little lost at the moment. At this time I'm thankful for the family I have to keep me connected to the world and thankful for this blog which keeps me in some sort of writing routine. I still have plenty of recipes ready to go so I certainly won't be letting this set back stop me from carrying on.